Al: Don't blame yourself, Art. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with the ship.
Art: That's...surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Al: No, it's noble of you, Art. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, captain! [dashes off for the press conference announcing Lane Kiffin as new head coach]
It is week 9 and the Oakland Raiders are 2-6.Al: Kiff! You're crying! Like a woman!
Kiff: [sobs]
Al: It's all right, I've often thought of myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic head coaches.
The Raiders owner haggles with Bill Belichick over the price for Randy Moss.
Al: I propose you give us ten draft picks.
Bill: How about zero?
Al: Nine.
Bill: Zero.
Al: Seven.
Bill: Zero.
Al: Eight?
Al has too many eggnog-n-scotches at the NFL owners' Christmas party.
Al (standing on a table, singing drunkenly): I met her at a club down in old SoHo...We drank champagne that tasted just like Coca-Cola...C-O-L-A, Cola. [assembled owners begin complaining loudly].
Dan Rooney: Give us a break!
Bob Kraft: He sickens me...
Al: She walked up to me and she asked me to dance. I asked her her name, and in a dark brown voice she said ELLLL AY! L-A-L-A ELLLLLLL AY! ELL ELL ELL ELL ELLLLLLLL AYYY! Ba ba ba ba bum ba bum bum bum bah! Da dee dum, da day day day day da dee dee! [assembled owners flee in terror for the exits] Ba ba ba bum ba bum bahhhhh!
Mid-season Raiders front-office meeting.
Kiff: Sir, may I have a word with you?
Al (hung over): No.
Kiff: It's an emergency, sir!
Al: Come back when it's a catastrophe!
[defensive line mutinies]
Al: Oh, very well...
Early morning on draft day, 2008.
Al: Let's trade all our draft picks to Dallas for Terrell Owens!
Kiff: Sir, we have the first pick overall. We're poised to finally have a decent offensive line.
Al: That's for schoolgirls. This is a plan with some chest hair!
Kiff: But, sir, he didn't even lead his team in yardage, he's thirty-five years old, and he punched Jerry Jones in the kidney! Twice!
Al: Ah, yes. The James Dean of the NFL. By continually overpaying for washed-up malcontents, we might be able to pick up some kind of gravity boost. Or something.
3 comments:
YES!!!
Marvelous work. I never made the connection but I can't think of anythign Raiders now without that popping up. That is the goods.
I would like to add the following scene that takes place 5 years in the future, when the Raiders will inevitably have Michael Vick and Pacman Jones on their roster....
Al and Kiff are watching several players try out. One is clearly Michael Vick with fake glasses and a mustache, the classic bad disguise. Al watches impressed as he runs around and overthrows a receiver by ten yards.
AL: Kiff! Look at that specimen of pure athletic beauty!
Kiff: Uhhhh... sir... he just overthrew the man, and he's already got five interceptions.
Al: Hmm. Seems like his problem is only being too manly.... which is a good problem to have. We'll just have the receivers run their routes further. Inform the coordinator.
Kiff: We don't have one sir, he left to manage a Bed and Breakfast. Besides, I'm fairly certain that player is Michael Vick.
Al: Nonsense! You there, with the big arm and the nice set of wheels, what's your name?
Vick: Ummmm.. hu....man... Hugh Mann?
Al: High Mann! I like the sound of that! Kiff, give him a 30 million dollar signing bonus.
Kiff: (sigh)
HAHAHAHAHA
Al: High Mann may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years as owner. That young man fills me with hope. And some other emotions that are weird...and deeply confusing me.
Kiff: [shudders]
Marvelous.
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