i miss the Foolegian

Happy belated April Fool's day! I thought I would celebrate with the posting I made for CAKE in the sports section of the Foolegian. Some still haven't read this. Note that it was written after the Eagels lost to Carolina, i.e. when they had the worst receivers in the league (pre-TO).

PUBLISHED APRIL 2004

In the typically boring style that the Super Bowl has become, the Philadelphia Eagles captured the NFL title with a 28-0 drubbing of the New England Patriots. Some highlights of the game:

- Donovan McNabb passed for 360 yards, throwing four touchdowns with no turnovers. McNabb also rushed for 89 yards, made ten tackles on special teams, rapped in the Halftime show, devised a flat tax counterproposal during a television timeout, and found a minute to chat with Rush Limbaugh on eco-fraud. Limbaugh admitted that McNabb is God, and also announced that he would change his moniker to “The Big L,” in an effort to show his affinity with the hip-hop communitty.

- Brian Westbrook shrugged off his supposedly season-ending arm injury to run for 92 yards and catch seven passes. It looked as though Westbrook was done for good when his arm fell off in the second quarter, but it did not deter him from playing the rest of the game. “We’re the Eagles,” he boasted afterward. “We don’t even need two arms to make catches.”

- Despite McNabb’s perfect passer rating, game MVP honors went to a tie between Eagles receivers James Thrash and Todd Pinkston. Both made a series of amazing catches, especially in heavy trafffic. “They’ve got the best hands in the NFL, and they know how to seperate,” Patriots corner Ty Law gushed.

- Patriots coach Bill Belichick, despite his team’s failure, remained sunny and upbeat during the game. Wearing a festive flower shirt and a generous grin, Belichick was seen laughing and cavorting with his players even as they were trailing miserably. “We were just having some fun,” Belichick explained. “Hey, it’s just a game. I like to keep everyone loose on the sideline with my rampant zingers. I mean, it’s not like this was our work or anything." Eagles coach Andy Reid responded with his most eloquent answer of the night: “Yes.”

- Controversy surrounded the halftime festivities that so many people missed because of KFC or Wendy’s runs. Andy Reid was performing his popular “BYU Shuffle” when ambigously promoted star Justin Timberlake lifted Reid’s shirt and revealed his left breast. CBS immediately apologized for the incident. Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie was quick to deny rumors that this was the real reason Reid was ever hired as coach of the Eagles in the first place. Timberlake simply opined, “Haven’t I made it obvious yet?”

- The Eagles’ victory celebration was cut short when it was revealed that Reid was smuggling an entire family of illegal aliens in his giant mustache. The migrant farm workers were supplying Reid with bananas until they could receive their green cards. Under the new law proposed by President Bush, Reid must pay for lifestyle costs for the nomadic family for the next three years.