college football bracket, entry 16

In the iron state, this is life and death. A fitting end to the first round uber-rivalry picks.

# 16 AUBURN vs. # 17 ALABAMA

AUBURN

Auburn Tigers

Auburn, Alabama

SEC

Mascot: Bo Jackson (with help from Charles Barkley)

Pros: bo knows all, chuck rules the paint, video game football god

Cons: today, they might weigh 600 pounds combined

Analysis: They've always been good, but they don't have the stars like they used to.

vs.

ALABAMA

Alabama Crimson Tide

Tuscaloosa, AL

SEC

Mascot: former all-american kick returner Forrest Gump

Pros: purple heart winner, exposed Watergate, met three presidents, world ping pong champion, succesful shrimp company owner, single handedly invented jogging craze in 70's, helped Gary Sinise find God

Cons: You know, the people who actually lived suffered, while he went by unscathed. Life isn't fair.

Analysis: Yeah, right... if only Alabama was ever that likable.

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VOTE NOW!!!! BAMA or AUBURN???

college football bracket, entry 15

It's a showdown in the Pacific northwest!





# 15 OREGON vs. # 18 OREGON STATE

OREGON

Oregon Ducks

Eugene, OR

Pac Ten

Mascot: icon Steve Prefontaine (as portrayed by Billy Crudup)

Pros: legendary runner, man crush

Cons: driving skills (too tsun?)

Analysis: Supposed hippie school has a place in my heart.

vs.

OREGON STATE

Oregon State Beavers

Corvallis, OR

Pac Ten

Mascot: Ocho Cinco

Pros: ocho cinco catches, oncho cinco runs, ocho cinco doesn't back down

Cons: [head explodes from typing that]

Analysis: I like the state, and hear good things about this school, but they need some less annoying icons.

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VOTE NOW!!!! OREGON OR STATE???

college football bracket, entry 14

It's an SEC showdown! Chattanooga can host this game.

# 14 TENNESSEE vs. # 19 GEORGIA

TENNESSEE
Tennessee Volunteers

Knoxville, TN

SEC

Mascot: Peyton Manning

Pros: $$$$$$ ... and yeah, he won a Super Bowl....

Cons: from the new Webster's

consumer whore (n) - one who whores self out to market with no regard to self dignity
[see also Manning, Peyton]

Analysis: Interesting that his college team won title year AFTER he left.

vs.

GEORGIA
Georgia Bulldogs

Athens, GA

SEC

Mascot: Of Montreal

Pros: cool grooves, awesome live shows, refer to fans as "booty patrol"

Cons: ....wouldn't they get a little tired of Barnes' antics?

Analysis: Athens has great music scene, with them, Medeski, Widespread, and others... but do any of the sports fans know this?

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VOTE NOW!!! TENN or UGA???

college football bracket, entry 13

Virgin (ia) territory....

# 13 VA TECH vs. # 20 WEST VIRGINIA

VIRGINIA TECH
Virginia Polytechnical Institute Hokies

Blacksburg, VA

Mascot: Michael Vick

Pros: athletic ability, cool nickname, potential

Cons: future con

Analysis: Sadly, the only famous people associated with this school are him and that guy who shot everyone. Rough year for Tech....

VS.

WEST VIRGINIA
West Virginia Mountaineers

Morgantown, WV

Big East

Mascot: state icon John Kruk (as portrayed by Chris Farley)

Pros: led Phillies to unprecedented series, retired on compelte whim, one of best fat players ever

Cons: his state hasn't done much to improve image

Analysis: Meh, Kruk doesn't care if they light tires and couches on fire after big games. That's how they do it in Appalachia.
]

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VOTE NOW!!! VA TECH or WVU???

college football bracket, entry 12

Run for the Ozarks and cook up some moonshine!

# 11 LSU vs. # 22 ARKANSAS

L.S.U.
Louisiana State Tigers

Baton Rouge, LA

SEC

Mascot: Shaquille O'Neal
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Pros: dominating center, aspiring law enforcement career, dissed Kobe

Cons: "I'm like the Pythagorean Theorum.... there is no answer." Yes, he graduated from here despite completely f-----g up a basic principle of 10th grade math.

Analysis: And you wonder why I don't trust big southern state schools.

vs.

ARKANSAS
Arkansas Razorbacks

Fayetteville, AR

SEC

Mascot: former prez (and Razorbacks backer) William J. Clinton
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Pros: sax machine, had electric super super sex, possible first first man

Cons: antics may have cost Gore, probably could have done better

Analysis: Looks good now, eh?

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VOTE NOW!!!! LSU or ARKANSAS????

college football bracket, entry 11

Texas tussle flex the muscle... but no bonfires (too tsun?)

# 10 TEXAS vs. # 23 TEXAS A & M

TEXAS
Texas Longhorns

Austin, TX

Big Twelve

Mascots: Owen Wilson, Wes Anderson, & Richard Linklater (pictures for the Royal Rocket duo don't seem to work)

Pros: proving there may be worthwhile people in Texas

Cons: selling out? a little? ok not really...

Analysis: Interesting entry: nice school, great film program, beloved college town, unique atmosphere..... yet stuck in the middle of abhorrent state. What gives?



vs.




TEXAS A & M
Texas Agriculture & Manufacturing Institue Aggies

College Station, TX

Big Twelve

Mascot: famous alum Rip Torn

Pros: f you, f me, dodgeball legend, sultry king of France

Cons: slight drunk driving problem

Analysis: As much as we all love him, is it a good sign when he is always mentioned as one of the most famous people from this school?

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VOTE NOW!! UT or AM?

college football bracket, entry 10

Get off your tractors for one second, this is a battle of the great plains.

# 9 NEBRASKA vs. # 24 KANSAS STATE

NEBRASKA

Nebraska Cornhuskers

Lincoln, NE

Big Twelve

Mascot: Lawrence Phillips

Pros: see O.J.

Cons: at least he didn't kill anyone...yet...

Analysis: Yup. Still bitter, 13 years later. Thanks, Big ten, for waiting a while before you decided to join the party.

vs.

KANSAS STATE

Kansas State Wildcats

Manhattan, KS

Big Twelve

Mascot: Mitch Richmond

Pros: most underrated star in past 20 years, great guard, rookie of the year

Cons: played in Sacramento before Maloof-Petrie era

Analysis: Just like my boy Mitch Rich, they've really flown under the radar. Did you know they finished in the top ten a bunch of times over the past 15 years? Or that they were THISCLOSE to playing in the first BCS title game? Does anyone outside of the plains know this?

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VOTE NOW! 'BRASKA OR K STATE???

college football bracket, entry 9

boomer sooner boomer sooner shut up.

# 8 OKLAHOMA vs. # 25 OKLAHOMA STATE

OKLAHOMA

Oklahoma Sooners

Norman, OK

Big Twelve

Mascot: former QB and congressman J. C. Watts

Pros: sole Republican member of Congressional Black Caucus

Cons: oh wait, he's not in it, because they're all Dems... awkward...

Analysis: Charles Barkley said it best: Oklahoma is so racist, even the black people in Oklahoma hate black people.

vs.

OKLAHOMA STATE

Oklahoma State Cowboys

Stillwater, OK

Big Twelve

Mascot: former march hero Bryant "Big Country Reeves"

Pros: great dirt-stache, nickname, led team to final four

Cons: everything you'd stereotype about Oklahoma

Analysis: Other than the unlikely pairing of Thurman Thomas & Barry Sanders, this is really a hoops school.

VOTE NOW!! OK or OK ST??

college football bracket, entry 8

It's the battle of the Wolverine state. Or the Spartan state, if you prefer. This Big Ten battle always produces.... battles.

# 7 MICHIGAN vs. # 26 MICHIGAN STATE

MICHIGAN

Michigan Wolverines

Ann Arbor, MI

Big Ten

Mascot: former president Gerald Ford

Pros: actually was MVP of football team, All-American center, likes having nachos, and maybe some beer

Cons: Chevy Chase ruined his career?

Analysis: Despite being dead now, I think Ford had the last laugh on that one.

vs.

MICHIGAN STATE

Michigan State Spartans

East Lansing, MI

Big Ten

Mascot: recent QB Jeff Smoker

Pros: For a time, he was smokin'!

Cons: For a time, he WAS smokin'.

Personal notes: Few of you know what I'm talking about, but for two years in Lancaster, this kid was seen as the second coming of Christ. Until one day in September of 1998. He was never the same. But he's supposedly on the Rams now, so that's nice.....

Also, Bill Simmons said he had a great porn name, which is the highest compliment anyone I've ever known has gotten.

Analysis: I love how I cant taunt a former high school rival when my only claim to fame is my team winning a game ten years ago that I had no actual participation in. God bless you, blogosphere.

VOTE NOW? UM OR MSU?

college football bracket, entry 7

It's the Bowden Bowl!!! Which good ol' boy coach is actually coaching? Hint: it's not the one who might be dead already and merely propped up by the football equivalent of Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

# 6 FLORIDA STATE vs. # 27 CLEMSON

FLORIDA STATE

Florida State Seminoles

Talahassee, Florida

ACC

Mascot: former star halfback Burt Reynolds

Pros: biggest star in the world from 1976-81

Cons: .... really?

Analysis: Even picturing Burt as Jack Horner isn't enough to make me not hate this school.

vs.

CLEMSON

Clemson Tigers

Hootenanny, South Carolina

ACC

Mascot: Bob Jones

Pros: more Rapture-worthy than Duchovny at his highest

Cons: Well, he might have problems with Catholics, also inter-racial dating, also inter-religious dating, also pretty much any physical contact between opposite sexes (but then also homosexuality big time), also clothing of a tempting nature (which is pretty much anything that has buttons), also everyone who isn't in his narrow point of view... but you'd take campaign money from him, right?

Analysis: I know he has his own school, but can you think of anyone else relevant from South Carolina? (Colbert is too cool for this, and spent formative years in Chicago.)

VOTE NOW! FSU or CLEMSON?

college football bracket, entry 6

It's a matchup of undersized underdogs. The last two major Catholic programs in the country face off for the right to lob Hail Marys and drink the wine.... and transubstantiate.

# 5 NOTRE DAME vs. # 28 BOSTON COLLEGE

NOTRE DAME

Notre Dame Fighting Irish

South Bend, IN

(no conference) (still) (amazingly)

Mascot: Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger

Pros: gave 110%, had heart of a champion, never gave up, went the extra mile...

Cons: .... you know, an old football coach told me about this movie when I was playing back in high school. Of course, I grew up with cable, so I'd already seen it like four times when I was doing more important things. But I digress.

He wanted me to feel better about not getting any playing time during my varsity stint. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't care. But when he said, "Look at Rudy! He got his butt kicked in practice for four years, but he never gave up, kept going, and he got in for that one play. He got his due. So keep that in mind." I had to to admit, "Well, actually, I kinda stopped practicing hard after the first half of sophomore year, hid when they were looking for scout team volunteers, feigned injuries, lost interest, stayed on the team mainly for resume-building purposes and team luncheons, and I still got to play a few series over a couple games and pretty much the entire second half of the Penn Manor game senior year.

But hey, it was a nice story."

The lesson? This movie is over the top, it kinda wasn't worth it for him, and Penn Manor sucks.

Analysis: Still lovable, I suppose.

vs.

BOSTON COLLEGE

Boston College Eagles

Boston, MA

ACC (formerly Big East)

Mascot: Doug Flutie

Pros: memorable hail mary pass, heisman, pride of Natick

Cons: .... tough to find. People just love Flutie.

Analysis: Flutie looks way more like a football player than Sean Astin, but BC doesn't have the history that the Irish do.

VOTE NOW! ND OR BC??

college football bracket, entry 5

PRISON RODEO!

The state penitentiaries will be open for this one.....

# 4 MIAMI vs. # 29 COLORADO

MIAMI

U. Miami Hurricanes (not to be confused with Miami U. of Ohio)

Miami, FL (again, not Ohio)

ACC (formerly Big East)

Mascot: once star recruit Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson

Pros: knows what he is in fact cooking, also knows his and everyone's role, and that he is the proclaimed people's champion of... something

Cons: Liberty sucks! Go Danno's school!

...or is it Freedom? I always forget.

Analysis: I almost put up a picture of Michael Irvin in camouflage, but that's just obscene. Have I ever not hated anyone from this school?

vs.

COLORADO

Colorado Buffaloes

Boulder, CO

Big Twelve

Mascot: therapists (no, that's The Rapists, Mr. Connery)

Pros: Well, they didn't get their coach fired immediately, despite lots of transgressions.

Cons: ....uhhh... and why not?

Analysis: Okay, maybe I'm still bitter about the 1994 Heisman. But this school is full of trouble.

VOTE NOW! MIAMI OR COLORADO??

college football bracket, entry 4

Put away the hardwood, this is a Southern-fried gridiron gangbuster... hyuck.

# 3 FLORIDA vs. # 30 LOUISVILLE

FLORIDA

Florida Gators

Gainesville, FL

SEC

Mascot: former coach and Heisman winner Steve Spurrier

Pros: won title (albeit cheap) (albeit that one last year wasn't much better)

Cons: kind of a douche

Analysis: I don't care if he's gone, he's still what I think of with this school. But hey, out of the three major Florida schools, I hate them the least.

VS.

LOUISVILLE

Lousiville Cardinals

Louisville, KE

Big East (after many random places)

Mascot: 1987 stud baller Pervis "Never Nervous" Ellison

Pros: led team to title as freshman

Cons: possibly biggest bust in NBA history

Analysis: This is still a basketball school until you can come up with more sweet nicknames like that for the gridiron.

VOTE NOW! FLORIDA or LOSUISVILLE?

college football bracket, entry 3

It's a big ten battle! # 2 Ohio State vs. # 31 Wisconsin! Get out your defibilators!

OHIO STATE

THE Ohio State U. Buckeyes

Columbus, OH

Big Ten

Mascot: Andy Katzenmoyer & Maurice Clarett

Pros: We are THE Ohio State University. We do great in academic endeavors like golf, AIDS awareness, stealing cars, and other fine pursuits.

Cons: ha.... academia...

Analysis: They're the Florida State of the midwest. How's that for a backhanded compliment?

vs.

WISCONSIN

Wisconsin Badgers

Madison, WI

Big Ten

Mascot: Wando's Bar... http://www.wandosbarandgrill.com/

Pros: odd drinking receptacles, side of bacon served with every drink

Cons: early death a certainty

Analysis: Now THIS is a college town.

VOTE NOW! OHIO STATE OR WISCONSIN?

college football bracket, entry 2

I realized after I set up the teams in The Real College Football Bracket (C) 2007 Justin Leo Inc. that my first test matchup isn't actually a real matchup. From now on, I will only be giving teams out in pairs, as to who will be playing each other in the first round.

You see, USC is #1, Penn State is # 12, actually. They aren't playing each other. They could meet up in the championship, potentially, but not yet.

USC (1) with O.J. is taking on (32) UCLA, natch....

Penn State (12) with the Hempfield crew is taking on Pitt (21), also natch....

First round: 1 vs. 32

USC (O.J. Simpson) vs. UCLA

(usc has been done)

UCLA

University of California at Los Angeles Bruins

Los Angeles, CA

Pac Ten

Mascot: former film student Jim Morrison

Pros: break on through, break on through

Cons: ...he is the lizard king.

Analysis: Wouldn't you kill to be at UCLA then? With him and Coppola, and hanging around with those great hoops teams?

Penn State (Beaver Ave. kids) vs. Pittsburgh

12 vs. 21

(penn state was done)

PITT

Pittsburgh Panthers

Greatest City in America, PA

Big East

Mascot: coach and alum Dave Wannestedt

Pros: stache

Cons: any point where he did not have the stache (if ever)

.......besides the fact Pitt sucks.

Analysis: They shouldn't even be here, but I like to torment them. You may whine for Dan Marino or Tony Dorsett, but I refuse to allow any 'burghian without the proper facial hair.

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so......

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VOTE NOW!!!!!

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USC or UCLA? PSU or PITT?

the real college football bracket

Ok, I came up with the final bracket. 32 programs, legends of college football, and the like. They're in order partly for how good they've been in the past 30 years, partly for good matchups.

1. USC ____________ 32. UCLA
2. Ohio State _______ 31. Wisconsin
3. Florida __________ 30. Louisville
4. Miami __________ 29. Colorado
5. Notre Dame ______ 28. Boston Colllege
6. Florida State ______ 27. Clemson
7. Michigan ________ 26. Michigan Sate
8. Texas __________ 25. Texas A & M
9. Oklahoma _______ 24. Oklahoma State
10. Nebraska _______ 23. Kansas State
11. LSU ___________ 22. Arkansas
12. Penn State _______ 21. Pitt
13. Virginia Tech _____ 20. West Virginia
14. Tennesee _______ 19. Georgia
15. Oregon _________ 18. Oregon State
16. Auburn _________ 17. Alabama


Just like there are tons of low level bowl games (no offense, the Poulain Weed Eater Independence Bowl in Shreveport, Louisiana), I figured we should have some quick listings for teams that didn't quite make the cut. Here they are in no random order:

WASHINGTON STATE
Mascot: Ryan Leaf
Analysis: The fact that they made the Rose Bowl twice in the past ten years (as opposed to Penn State and Iowa only doing it once) shows you how much the Pac Ten sucks.

GEORGIA TECH
Mascot: George O'Leary
Analysis: Liar. They haven't been that good.

RUTGERS
Mascot: James Gandolfini
Analysis: No offense, Tony Sporano, and also Simon and Stef, but this is still Jersey.

SYRACUSE
Mascot: Carmelo Anthony and Donovan McNabb
Analysis: The 'Cuse haven't done anything in football since Donno was there. And seriously...

... stop snitchin'.

OLE MISS
Mascot: The rest of the Manning family
Analysis: NO.

VIRGINIA
Mascot: Dave Matthews
Analysis: Even I've given up.

WASHINGTON
Mascot: former Sixers center Todd MacCullogh
Analysis: Love 'em, but no.

ARIZONA STATE
Mascot: Jimmy Kimmel
Analysis: Too drunk. But appropriate.

PURDUE
Mascot: Brian "Citizen Pain" Cardinal
Analysis: Ugly, bad contract, balding. You have to love Indiana sometimes.

B.Y.U.
Mascot: Jim McMahon
Analysis: Considering that I have lots of insider information on what goes on there, I'm even more amazed that he was at this school.

BOISE STATE
Mascot: the blue field
Analysis: Hurts the retina.

IOWA
Mascot: proud alum Tom Arnold
Analysis: .....That really says it all.

STANFORD
Mascot: Tiger Woods
Analysis: Wait, forget Wazzou... THEM making the Rose Bowl shows you how much the Pac Ten sucks.

DELAWARE
Mascot: Grotto's pizza
Analysis: A local legend, but no national recognition.

LEHIGH
Mascot: alums Kavan & Korn
Analysis: Look, I don't care how great your Engineering school is, no one outside of Eastern PA knows the difference between you and Lafayette.

LAFAYETTE
Mascot:?
Analysis: They're not Lehigh?

TEMPLE
Mascot: Bill Cosby
Analysis: Could play a great game of buck buck. Could also still suit up for this sorry squad.

LA SALLE
Mascot: that weird space exlporer one we had
Analysis: Wait, why do we even still have a team? Is it just so we can say that we have one and St. Joe's doesn't? It is, isn't it? Fantastic.

college football bracket, entry 1

Since I haven't been paying attention to college football in a while, I decided to do something fun. I'm going to base my season preview on a mascot for every team - not their actual mascot, but an alum or former star that represents them. These people will get together in a random bracket inspired by Nick Norlen and Ryan Carey's version of bracket madness in the La Salle Collegian and hack it out, because college football certainly doesn't have a real playoff system. NOH! Though reports are that they may add an extra bowl after all the others in a few years... maybe.

This system will determine once and for all who the real winners are on Saturday. I'm hoping that everyone will vote as to who advances each week once the brackets are set. I'm going for at least 16 and maybe 32 if I can.

First entry:

USC

Southern California Trojans

Los Angeles, CA

Pacific Ten

Mascot: Orenthal James Simpson

Pros: Knifes through D, doesn't show mercy, was in three Naked Guns

Cons: http://www.rathergood.com/stabbypool/

Analysis: If you defeated USC, it must have been because you loved them very, very much.



PENN STATE

Pennsylvania State Nittany Lions

State College, PA

Big Ten

Mascot: 2002 Residents of 560 Beaver Ave. House

Pros: CP appearances, Yankee/Sox fights, knee reconstruction surgery experts Cons: shady tactics in getting on main campus by entering Golf program, large college Republican population

Analysis: For good or bad, they sure do represent dear ol' State.



more next time........